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Dear Donald Glover (from ‘Community’, you know, that show on NBC before ‘The Office’ that no one watches, but NBC doesn’t suck like Fox, so it doesn’t cancel shows that are awesome that no one watches, or move them to Friday night, seemingly just to make you feel like a lame virgin, because when you’re out at a bar drinking absinthe and you’re wondering whether Peter is going to find out that Faux-livia had his baby, that’s how you feel…also he wrote for 30 Rock for a while, but I haven’t watched that show in forever, even though it’s really funny, because Alec Baldwin’s current puffiness makes me incredibly depressed and then I have to watch cartoons and I already watch too many cartoons),

First, I’d like to say that I love you.  Not like platonic love, but not exactly romantic love either.    It’s more like the way that normal people love god, or their grandparents.  It’s similar to how I feel about my cat, but not quite.  Although I would probably still let you lick my face and my ankles after I get out of the shower, even though I really DO NOT care for that.  Second, I would like to invite you to my house for dinner.  I live in Vancouver and my house is really cool and I’m a good cook, and there’s the face and ankle licking to look forward to, if you’re into that.  This is really starting to sound like a scary stalker letter, so I’m going to move on and not mention licking anymore.  I’m beginning to think that comparing you to my cats may have led me slightly astray (get it, like a cat, I know, I’m great, you can steal that for your act or whisper it in Tina Fey’s ear or whatever, I don’t mind).

Now, onto the serious portion of this letter.  I have, for some time, believed that there are a variety of things we are told as children that are, at best, quite untrue and, at worst, very dangerous and harmful lies.  One of these I believe you can relate to pretty directly.  No, it’s not that size doesn’t matter – it actually does.  I’m kinda short, so I can definitely speak to that one:  it’s not great, tall is WAY better than short and so is long, if we’re keeping track.  I was told my entire young life that being “well-rounded” is the best way to achieve your goals and guarantee success.  I know that seems like a pretty innocuous assertion, but I believe that we see the ill effects of it everywhere.  For instance, I’m out of high-school right now and I’m so deathly afraid that I won’t get in to college if I’m not “well-rounded” that I'm not sleeping or eating right now because I haven't done and Internships or volunteered for National Honor Society, Youth Group, Show Choir, Harvard Model Congress, etc. I’ve started to realize that part of the reason why I, and I believe most of the people I know, feel doomed to live in these dreary corporate monogamous relationships (I mean that the corporate relationships are monogamous, not that monogamy is corporate, that is a topic for another letter and since we don’t have a robust correspondence established I feel that you may not be ready for that type of dialectical commitment) is that we were forced into “well-roundedness” when we might have been better specializing and actually being good at something instead of just being okay at everything.

You may be thinking, “how does this relate to me, I’m clearly both awesome AND well-rounded?”  While this is undoubtedly true, even though you’re a bit of a dick for IMMEDIATELY jumping there, I do feel that it applies to you.  You obviously someone who became a writer and then decided that you would also like to, or perhaps prefer to, be a musician/rapper/sex symbol/famous black nerd (as you refer to yourself, I feel uncomfortable with the ‘n’ word, obviously).  I perceive that while people appreciate that you are “well-rounded” so to speak, they still know you as primarily ONE thing because that is how they feel comfortable relating to you. 

Does that suck or is it awesome? 

Do you think that the generally accepted notion that it is better to be well-rounded indicates that we have a general fear of personal failure in our society?  Or do you think it comes from a push toward homogeneity that creates a group think that is easier to predict and influence?  Is it an inclination toward sameness?  If that’s the case, isn’t our worship of people who are decidedly un-well-rounded a paradox?  Why, if we are meant to be well-rounded, does everyone love Lebron (and don’t lie, you love Lebron, everyone loves him, only sycophants pretend not to like him because, oh, boohoo, he decided he’d rather win than lose and live in South Beach than Cleveland, I mean, for sweet Christ’s sake, it’s CLEVELAND)? 

I would be really curious to hear your thoughts, serve you pie and introduce you to my cat (I am restraining myself from mentioning licking again, oh wait, I did mention it I guess…dammit).

Love (neither platonic nor romantic, perhaps plamantic, romonic…yes! ROMONIC (it’s an anagram for moronic, just fyi…oooh double parenthetical)),

A Fan (of you and parentheses)

PS - I have “Mystery Team” downloaded on bittorrent.  It’s awesome.  I enjoy striped shirts and the infantilization of adolescent boys, so it’s right in my wheelhouse.

PPS - I’ll also introduce you to my awesome friend if you come over for dinner.  She’s a brunette and she’s really interesting.  I would introduce you to me, but I’m a guy (who’s totally willing to make the homosexual jump if we have more in common than I assume and we hit it off and have a few too many to drink but I suppose introducing you to myself would be really tricky, in like an existential sense or whatever).